His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. ($9.36 for the Kindle edition on Amazon) teaches that when a married person’s most important emotional needs are met by their spouse, it effectively “affair-proofs” the couple’s marriage. As a general rule, these most important needs are: “admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.” However, men and women see things quite differently when it comes to prioritizing these essential needs. Typically, “the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice versa.”
Make Regular Deposits in the “Love Bank“:
Harley’s“Love Bank” concept illustrates how one’s love for another person grows or diminishes over time. In short, when someone meets an important emotional need, it is a deposit in the “Love Bank.” However, when emotional needs are ignored and unmet, it constitutes a withdrawal. Therefore, it is dangerous when anyone besides a spouse fills any of a married individual’s key emotional needs. Extra-marital “need meeting” is the fertile soil in which extra-marital affairs frequently flourish.
Learn New Habits to Meet Each Other’s Needs:
One-third of the book is devoted to “the two most important needs for most women (affection and intimate conversation) and the two most important needs for most men (sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship).” Throughout the book, a repeating theme is that “knowing what your spouse needs does not meet the need. You must learn new habits that transform that knowledge into action.” According to Harley, “Almost all men need some instruction in how to become more affectionate.” On the other hand, many women struggle to understand and appreciate their husband’s powerful need for sex.
Harley’s Laws of Marriage:
The author categorizes some of his most important key principles as “Harley’s Laws of Marriage.”
- “When it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other.”
- “Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours.”
- “Caring partners converse in a caring way.”
- “The couple that plays together stays together.”
Advice about How to Survive an Affair:
Chapter thirteen is a no-holds barred discussion titled “How to Survive an Affair” and the final chapter summarizes the book in the form of a quick five-point primer for both the husband and the wife outlining how to become an irresistible model mate. Finally, four appendices supply a number of insightful and helpful self-assessment tools that round out the volume.
An Effective Approach to Save Marriages and Avoid Divorce:
In the introduction, Harley frankly admits that success in saving troubled marriages initially eluded him. He confesses, “Most of the marital experts in America were also failing . . . I couldn’t find any therapist who could prove that the counseling provided was any better than no counseling at all.” However, the turning point came when Harley realized that when he helped couples “restore their romantic love . . . their marriage was saved.” As a matter of practical application, Harley also discovered that when couples behaved in ways that met each other’s emotional needs, romantic love was rekindled. As a result, Harley reports, “Before long, I was helping almost every couple fall in love and thereby avoid divorce.” Therefore, Harley’s amazing success seems to not only validate his approach, but to also stand in sharp contrast to the prevalent failure of so many professionals.
A Must-Have Resource to Help Affair-Proof Marriages:
Our nation’s sobering divorce statistics underline the need for practical ways to safeguard the marriages of ministers and parishioners alike. Therefore, any book that actually and practically answers the question, “What must a couple do to stay happily married?” is an important and welcome resource. Not only does this book offer hope for marriages in distress, it also demonstrates “how to affair-proof your marriage by building a relationship that sustains romance and increases intimacy and closeness year after year.” Every pastor is expected to be available for, and competent in, marital counseling. Therefore, this book is a must-have resource for any pastor’s personal and professional library.